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Wednesday, September 20
The end.
While I think Larry tells me things I already know, I am so glad to have him to bounce my thoughts back at me. I went in there yesterday and I grabbed the tissues and said, "Dude, I am a mess." I started bawling and did so for about the entire hour. I told him how PC said that I have major issues to work through and I wanted to do that. Larry told me that PC has fed me lie after lie after lie and if I bought into the lie that PC did nothing wrong and I did everything wrong then I was never going to heal. He said PC just told me that because somewhere deep in his soul he knows that those issues are HIS and if he projects them onto me it's a way to acknowledge them and yet not take responsibility for them. After 32 years of lying, there is no way he will stop. And he refuses to admit the problems, so they will never get better, but if I believe that they were MY problems I am continuing to buy into his altered state of reality and I'll never get better.
Larry and I went through so many analogies. First I told him how I missed PC and how I felt like I couldn't function without him. I told him about the panic attacks. He said that I've let PC establish this altered reality for me with all his lies and I was living in it and I was dangerously addicted to it. And it's just like any addict who chooses to kick their drug of choice. You're going to go through withdrawals. And withdrawals affect you physically, with a pounding heart and nausea and shaking. Ergo, my panic attacks. So I said, "How do I make them stop?" He said it's like being in a car. In the middle of a battle. And you can get through the battle and get out the other side, but you have to have the courage to press the accelerator by making the right choices, i.e. STOP talking to him, stop taking the drug.
He said that everyone has different parts to their emotional self that choose to speak up at different times and he said I need to establish a CEO of sorts that keeps each part in its proper place at the table. (He said this same thing when I was getting over a different break-up, spring 2005 timeframe.) He said there's a part of me that's a wounded little girl, part that acts silly, part that's wise, part that's a mom, part that's a daughter, part that's a drunk dialer (texter), part that's addicted to PC's lies and altered reality, etc. And he said I need to let the wise part of me take control. I have let the addicted part have control for the last year and I need to have my CEO say, "Hey. Sit down now. Thank you for being here, but you have to sit down and let us handle this now."
Next week, some more mind-blowing tidbits from Larry the Therapist.
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