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Friday, September 15
Happy feeling gone...
So tonight as I was closing the store I had what I can only describe as a panic attack. I literally had to sit on the floor and put my head between my knees so I could breathe. My heart started beating really fast and my stomach felt so empty. I felt so nervous. Who am I kidding? I can't do this. I can't be without him. I need him so much. How can I live without something I need as badly as I need oxygen? How can I put one foot in front of the other when I don't have him waiting for me when I get where I'm going? And yet how can I go back to being in his arms when he wanted to put someone else there? Not that he'd take me back anyway. But if he would, how could we get over this? We never could. So I am forced again to grieve for that which I have lost. I am terrified to go over to my house right now. (I am at my mom's.) I fear that I'll lie down in what was "our" bed and the immense weight of being without him will crush me. Should I read? Medicate myself so I can sleep? How can I slow my rapid heart rate? Any other time I felt this way he would hold me and help me feel better. He was the little ceramic house inside my snow globe where I could hide when someone took my world and shook the fuck out of it. I could hide in his arms and just watch the fallout. Without the house I'm just another sparkly flake whirling around in the chaos.
Saturday, September 16
Sweet dreams are made of these?
I dreamed that Erin, my boss at Wet Seal, and me and Karen were at my house. We were watching some kids and one of them turned on the water in the shower and the bathroom floor flooded. I came into my kitchen and said, "Where is the manager?" and some chick turned around and was like, "I'm the new manager." I started bitching about the kid and then the manager showed me the new fridge and freezer she brought in. I was wondering how the freezer made ice when the trays were on their side. Then Erin was there and we heard some music from a car outside and Erin said, "Oh there's Karen." But no, it wasn't Karen, it was a big yellow diesel Ford truck and it was tearing into my driveway. It had black letters on the side but I didn't see what they were for. I freaked out and Erin was like, "Oh my God." Prince Charming came up to the kitchen door and I could see him through the curtains. I ran to the kids’ room but I could hear him saying "Jessie! Jessie! Baby!" And he shoved Erin out of the way and came into the kids' room. He wasn't wearing a shirt and he had words tattooed all over his chest. He also had lotion on him that he didn't rub in, like little patches like he had been in a hurry. Anyway, he was like, "I saw all your happy little messages." I assumed he meant the blogs. He said, "I saw you didn't use any names." But I didn't know what to say and I didn't know if he was going to be like, "baby I miss you and I'm miserable too" or "quit writing shit about me." But I think in my heart I was so happy to see him I woke myself up. And he wasn't there.
Tune in next week for part one of one day's stream-of-consciousness dealing with my emotions.