Read last week's installment here.
New to the diaries? Start here.
Saturday, September 16
Today's pain
I started out today alright. I felt pretty good, a little hungover from going to the bar with my brother last night, but I felt okay. Bug had a football game. His team didn't win, but he did pretty well. I went to wal-mart with my mom and the kids, got a new cage for the hamster, who I renamed Rex. Put it together and decided I wanted to take a nap before work. Since I'm going out with Karen and Cindy tonight, and I didn't sleep very well at all last night thanks to a six a.m. wake up call and the dream, I figure I need a nap. Well as soon as I laid down, the panic started again. I miss him so bad, I feel so empty and sick. I want to call him so bad and just ask him to please hold me for a minute, just one time. Like a drug, I need a fix of him. I reminded myself of all the promises we made. I was changing clothes and I looked in the mirror and remembered how many times he would say "Look at that ass... it's all mine, right? Only mine?" and I would tell him it was only his for the rest of my life. That might sound cheesy but I loved it and it made me feel good about myself. And I only ever wanted it to be his. I get so ill when I think about someone else's hands on me or his hands on someone else. Oh god when will this go away?
Saturday, September 16
Tonight's debauchery
So I'm going out with my girls tonight. Cindy's friend is DJing on the roof again and we're going to go hang out, even Karen is going to go for a while. I will not be taking my phone because most of you know how hard it was for me not to text him last night, if I have your number you got the desperate text! I will leave it home with mom. I have to close at the mall tonight, but I will already be dressed so I'm leaving straight from there. Wish me luck.
Saturday, September 16
feelings...
UGH, I can't get rid of this sick, empty feeling! It's like I'm terrified of something. Any other time I felt like this... when I suspected a lie or another woman or something, I would tell him and he'd make me feel better. Now what do I do? He always promised he would tell me if he saw someone else he wanted to get to know, he swore to me he'd never do what he did. And, yes, we've established that he is a liar but I really thought I meant enough to him to make him change. He made me believe that what we had was so important to him that he could change. I thought if I just loved him enough he wouldn't have to lie, if I loved him enough he wouldn't need to get attention anywhere else. God I was so wrong. No matter what anyone says, people don't change. I wanted to believe it so badly! I just wanted to be in his arms. I should have sat down on the floor of the bathroom and cried instead of pushing him out. I should have asked him why. I never should have let myself get so angry, maybe if I'd have given him a chance he could have explained. I miss him so bad. So fucking bad.
Next week, the emotions continue...