Wednesday, July 30
Some of you know, some of you don't, that Mr. Wonderful and I had a huge fight last week and I have been staying at my mom’s until he decided what he wants to do. The fight was my fault, alcohol related, and I probably should have gone to jail (again, HA!). We made plans to talk Tuesday night.
So we sat down and he said he doesn't think he has what it takes to make me happy. I said that I was willing to work on being a more positive, less demanding and aggressive person if he was willing to work on not ignoring me in public. He said he just didn't think we would ever stop fighting. He cried, I cried. I left. He called me and said that he would really love for us to be together and not fight and if I thought that I could really try not to be so demanding of him then we could stay together. I went back to his place and he proceeded to drop a huge bomb... he said, "I have to tell you something and I don't know how you're going to react." He starts to cry and I can only assume we're admitting to a Ross and Rachel type infidelity mishap while "on a break." No, it was much worse... he told me that I have gained weight since we got together. He said that when we found my pictures from high school (in a bikini on the beach at Ocean City, age 18) he saw what kind of potential I had and that I had let myself go. He said that he didn't notice it during sex (of course not, he's a man) but he noticed it when I was changing clothes and when we watch TV in our underwear (we do that when the kids aren't around) but it doesn't bother him as long as he doesn't look. I was shocked.
So I still spent the night, but I didn't sleep well and the whole time he held me I was wondering if he was thinking about my flabby tummy! I waited until he left to get out of bed and get dressed so he didn't have to see me. How could I overcome the feeling that he's looking at me wishing I looked like I was 18 again? I don't know that I can. I would feel it when I'm in the shower, getting dressed, working out, in a bathing suit... how could I ever feel sexy around him again? So I told him today that I didn't think I could ever be comfortable. At first he said, "That doesn't sound like a positive attitude" and then he said, "Well, take some time to think about it and decide if you're willing to do this for me or if I'm too shallow to have you, but remember I love you a lot."
So here I am, the chubby girl, wondering if this is the best possible thing that could happen to me. I mean, I know I have gained weight over the last year. Not a lot, but a little in the tummy area. And I wanted to start working out and feel better about myself. Maybe this is what I needed. And now that I've decided I'm not going to fall apart over what he's said, I have to decide if I can still be with him when I know he is thinking these things. I believe this choice is being put to me for a reason. To strengthen me. But is it to maintain the relationship with Mr. Wonderful or is it for something else? That I don't know. I feel a little sick about being naked around him now. I'll feel a little self-conscious when we're around skinny girls. I know he is an idiot for saying what he did, and he was crying when he said it, so I know it was hurting him to say it. I guess he just didn't know how much it would hurt the relationship.
And I know it has to be over, but I also know I hate that. So I swing back and forth. --Fuck him, I am out-- --Well... I mean why shouldn't I just stay, I was going to start working out anyway?-- --It will never be the same, just leave-- --if I try to stay positive I can lose the weight and we'll all be happy-- --he's an idiot that told you you're too fat for him, CUT HIM!-- And so on...
I really should leave. I know this. But I love him. My heart is broken. But I'm so angry about what he said. I have written this whole blog without crying, which is a good sign. Or at least a good sign that the pills are working. Love you guys.