Saturday, August 09
drinkin and writin
So I'm-a drinkin and-a writin...
I didn't deserve this. He told me from the start that he WANTED a family and the life that went with having kids and baseball practice and homework and discipline yada, yada, yada. And now he says he wants to be able to take a job across the country if one was offered to him and not have to worry about me and the kids. Is that selfish? Do you know that he has not ONCE asked me how the kids were doing? How they were handling this whole thing? Not ONCE. It's like he was fooling himself into thinking that he wanted a wife and family and then all-of-a-sudden "OOPS, I FORGOT, I want to be a single guy who can do what he wants without having to worry about who picks up the kids from the babysitter." It's not like I hid the kids from him and then was like "CONGRATS, YOU'RE A DADDY!" He wanted to share the discipline (we've talked about that before in my blog) and so he should share the responsibility. But now that's too much and he's "not ready" he tells me. Not ready? Must be nice to just be able to back out of parenthood whenever you want. Oh wait, I've had these kids for a year and a half and I just NOW decided I'm not ready for this life, so you can take them. So I guess he just hung on to me long enough to get his house and then BUH-BYE Jess and Bug and Bean, lilke we never mattered at all. It killed me today when we drove by his work and Bean asked if we were going in to see him. I said "no" and she said, "But I want to show him the funny face, that will make him happy." They adore him. Bug asked if he was going to coach his soccer team even if we weren't together. They are just kids. You can tear me up, tell me I got too fat for you, whatever, but don't write my kids off like they never meant anything to you. Now you have your house, with nothing in it but your precious bowflex and your big screen TV that daddy gave you. And it's empty and void of the love we made there. The fun we had there. The plans we'd made there. And when you walk in the door and the only sound that greets you is the saturn-missile sound of the fridge, you'll know what a serious mistake you made. I made him promises that I would have killed myself to keep. I promised I'd lose weight. (already on that one) I promised I would rely less on him for the things that make me happy. I had given him the sole burden of making me happy and I know better... we make ourselves happy, so I promised to do that. I promised not to drink so much that I became belligerent and violent. I promised that I would get off his case about how he disciplines the kids, because they love him so he can't be doing anything too wrong. And I promised I would help out around the house more. He turned me down. I made all those offers, in writing, and he turned them down. I was bending over backwards, with no pride or dignity left at all, and begging him to stay and he turned me down.
Photo by Tasos Mansour on Unsplash