Saturday, August 09
So now i sit here, drinkin and writin, wondering if I deserved this. I was a byotch. I did suck the life out of him. But I was willing to make that better on my own. I am doing okay on my own making myself happy, except when I think about how he keeps rejecting me, that kind of screws with a girl's self esteem. But I'm actually not crying, for once today. Most of you know I had to go to the ER the other night for spasms in the muscles in my head, neck and shoulders, I was unable to move for two days. (flashback to the Prince Charming episode when I couldn't function because of a freaking 8 month headache) I got some good drugs. But he didn't come to me, he didn't ask how I am feeling. I know it's over, I KNOW this. But I don't WANT it to be. I want to rewind back to before the big fight. I would try my hardest to make sure my feelings got expressed before I had all those drinks. And then maybe we'd still be together. But if we were, how long until he decided he wanted to be free from the ties of a family? I'd like to think I'd made him happy enough to stay in family mode, but I guess I didn't and--see that?-- I'm blaming myself for his selfishness. See how I do that? Blame shifting! But I shift it to myself, as if I couldn't possibly feel any worse than I did five minutes ago THANK YOU. I just want to be in his arms again. But do I? Would he be thinking about my weight? I'd always be wondering. I came home from the bar and grabbed a piece of cold pizza. He wouldn't have approved. But who cares. Someone that loves you, loves you for WHO YOU ARE not what you look like. And he has physical flaws, too that I would never have said to him. I would never hurt someone like that. I guess he didn't come with the gene for tact, which is unusual since I'm the Sag and he's a Capricorn, I should be the one shouting out insensitive things. "Two minutes doesn't do it for me in bed!" But would I do that? NO because I fucking love him and I would never hurt him. I am now drinkin and medicated and writin, so I will wrap this up. Before I pass out on the keyboard... saying all these things doesn't make me want him any less. I want to send him a text right now that asks where he is, I want to see him. Andy asked me, "If he called you right now and said, 'I made a huge mistake, please come back home,' what would you do?" I didn't even have to think. I would do what it takes to get to where he is. That call will never come, but my hopefulness forces me to write him texts and e-mails. But if the call did come, I would take him back in two shakes of a lamb's tail. It sucks that men have this power over me. I create an addiction, an obsession over these men and the feelings I get from them. And when it's taken away, I'm not sure how to function. Okay, the med, alcohol combo has me nodding my head as I type so I have to go.
I love him and wish I was in my bed with my man and my dog.
Photo by Emily Morter on Unsplash