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Wednesday, September 27
gonna have to face it... step one
Okay, so I need a 12 step program. I'm reading this book, at the suggestion of Larry the Therapist. It's called "Addiction to Love." (Hence the Robert Palmer song lyrics in the title of this blog, I can't get the damn song out of my head!) I took the little quiz, "Are you a love addict?" If you score above a 49 "You ARE a full blown love addict and should get into a recovery program right away." I got a sixty. lol.
Now, before I go any farther, at first I thought that Love Addiction was just a metaphor. Just a neat way to compare a break-up with giving up a drug. I was so wrong, this is a real thing. So I'm going to go along with my recovery like any alcoholic or drug addict would. So please don't laugh at me. I will do anything to make this better right now.
So anyway, I was reading this book and it says that obsessive love addicts (OLAs) are people that are so hungry for love they replace one person with another right away (Dream Guy walking away and PC introducing himself in the same night), fall in love overnight (I had known PC 5 days when I told him), become obsessively preoccupied with the new lover (I took leave to be with him, hit send/receive a hundred times waiting on e-mails from him, texted him constantly), make irresponsible choices (moved out of my apartment because I was going to move to TN), fantasize about how the new relationship will be and pin all hopes of happiness and all dreams on the new lover. (and while I went through this, so did PC. He moved to and from TN in a span of two months for a relationship that was barely two months old) The book says, "For those of you that think this is normal behavior, think again. Even if romantic love is blossoming, it is not healthy to turn your life upside down and become a slave to your feelings." I totally did! And I know he did too! We thought that these feelings of being so attached and so enamored with one another were normal for "true love." Apparently I was way off.
Anyway, after the OLA projects their dreams and hopes for happiness on the new lover, then the dependency kicks in. The OLA has a deep-seated FEAR that the lover will leave. This was my MAIN fear in my relationship. I was so sure that he was going to leave that I became extremely jealous. I needed to know where he was all the time, make sure he was thinking about me, etc. But he did the same things to me, so I thought it was just normal for us. We "needed" each other. It turned out that not only did the lies and the cheating give me a sense of mistrust, my addiction to him and to our relationship were also causing me to act out of character. And after I had become so addicted to him and the relationship, I was willing to do anything to hold on, and that just made things worse. The stress and fear started to affect me physically, hence the headache! The book even says that the ailments of someone that puts all their energy into an addictive relationship can kill them. It quotes another author as saying, "I want to reiterate, loving too much can kill you." That's what I was doing. Loving so much I was killing myself.
So what do I do? I need to overcome this obsession and dependency. I need to get myself to a point that I could have a HEALTHY relationship, be it with PC ever in the future or with someone new. (Still not in a good place to be thinking about someone new, though. *hand-over-the-mouth-pretend-to-throw-up-gesture*) Not that fixing myself would fix all that was wrong with that relationship. (Appropriate song lyric, Jimmy Eat World, "Work:" "I can't say I was never wrong/but some blame rests on you") There is a chapter in the book that talks about saving an addictive relationship. But mostly I just want to FEEL BETTER.
So I will latch on to this 12-step program (although I will have to alter it a little it's very religious, did you know that? But they encourage you to rely on your own conception of a higher power, and they call that "God," however you choose to define it for yourself), hope I can find a support group, I know Larry will help me, my friends are there for me... I will take that first, all important step... and even though it sounds as cheesy to you as it does to me, I need something to help me get through this... so I'll admit that I am powerless over love, fantasies, romance, and relationships and that my life has become unmanageable.
There, step one. *deep breath* Here I go.
Comments are now OPEN! Feel free to comment about your breakups or my breakups or anything else these posts bring up for you!